Living in Ancient China is hard especially if you're a DW character
by whatamidoing765
Summary: The little things DW characters have to go through. Some a pain, some are just weird.
1. Chapter 1

**Problem 1:Allies can't eat, only you**

**Sima Zhao is finishing a Rage Musou attack. Many EXP and meatbuns and wine appear.**

**Sima Zhao:Guo Huai, eat the meatbuns floating there. You should be healthy in no time.**

**Guo Huai:*down to one third of health* Master Sima Zhao, I can't pick it up. *coughs* It just goes through me.**

**Sima Zhao:But it works for me, look. He goes to a meatbun, and it disappears. Health is full.**

**Guo Huai:Sorry, it only goes to you.*cough***

**Sima Shi goes to jump at a floating meatbun. It just goes through him.**

**Sima Shi:What? He attempts to grab at it.**

**Problem 2:No friendly fire**

**Sima Zhao walks by and takes the bun Sima Shi was grabbing at. It disappears.**

** Sima Shi:*glowing red and black* Come here, Zhao.**

**He swings endlessly at Zhao, but he is simply pushed away by every strike.**

**Sima Zhao:*whistling***

**Sima Shi:Why are you not getting cut?!**

**Sima Zhao:*points to himself* Ally.**

**Problem 3:Drink all that musou wine, you don't get drunk**

**Zhang Fei has finished a Rage Musou attack and the area is covered in wines and EXP and meatbuns.**

**Zhang Fei:Yeah! More wine! He runs to every wine jar and picks them up.**

**Guan Yu:Brother, watch how much you drink.**

**Zhang Fei:What are ya talking about? I feel fine! Though my stomach is acting a little funny...**

**Guan Yu:The wine must have been bad...**

**Zhang Fei:What? I...*hic* think...*pukes* What the? I don't feel drunk! Why am I puking?**

**Guan Yu:It seems you won't be drunk, but feel the side effects.**

**Zhang Fei:But drunk is the best feeling in the world! If I'm just puking and hiccuping, what is the point of drinking?**

**Problem 4:Some people can't age, no matter how many games there are**

**DW4**

**Zhou Yu:Ok...you're Xiao Qiao?**

**Xiao Qiao:Yep! You're just as handsome as they say!**

**Zhou Yu:How old are you? **

**Xiao Qiao:16.**

**Zhou Yu:(She'll grow as time goes by, I hope.)**

**DW5**

**Zhou Yu:(No, still the same, but it's just DW5, she was barely introduced.)**

**Xiao Qiao:*clings on to him***

**DW6**

**Zhou Yu:(Who is the girl here? This outfit is not what I expected...AND SHE LOOKS THE DAMN SAME! She is supposed to be developed in physical and mental means by now! What the hell?)**

**Xiao Qiao:I like that costume you're wearing!**

**DW7**

**Zhou Yu:(I'm paler than Lian Shi's boobs! And Xiao Qiao is still 16! She doesn't even age! Damn it, Sun Quan gets married, and HE gets a hot wife!)**

**Xiao Qiao:*squeals* You look like that cute vampire! **

**DW8**

**Zhou Yu:I heard Sima Yi's wife is here. I wonder what she looks like, maybe looking like Xiao Qiao. I can share my pain with him. **

**He gets a picture of the new characters. **

**Zhou Yu:Lu Su...Guan babies and one Zhang baby...Hmm?**

**He comes across Jin's section and sees Zhang Chunhua.**

**Zhou Yu:*shaking, crumpling paper* No...way... THAT'S HIS WIFE?! She's an adult! Didn't she marry him a lot younger than when Xiao Qiao married me? I can't believe he gets a real women! And she's HOT! Damn it, why does Koei favor Zhuge Liang and Sima Yi over me? *gets on all fours in depressed aura* AND XIAO QIAO LOOKS THE F**KING SAME! **

**Problem 5:People don't age when they're SUPPOSED to**

**Sima Zhao, age 4**

**Sima Zhao:Father, how old are you?**

**Sima Yi:24. (According to Koei)**

**Sima Zhao:What about Mother?**

**Sima Yi:You're not supposed to ask a women about her age.**

**Sima Zhao, age 9**

**Sima Zhao:Father, why don't you have a beard?**

**Sima Yi:I can't have one.**

**Sima Zhao:You are older, right? Aren't you supposed to have one?**

**Sima Yi:I just can't.**

**Sima Zhao, age 15**

**Sima Zhao:(Honestly, he looks the same. He has no grey hair, and no stubble.) So, any health problems?**

**Sima Yi:What are you talking about? I'm healthy as I was when you and Shi were born.**

**Sima Zhao:(This is getting weird...)**

**Sima Zhao, now**

**Sima Zhao:Shi, I think Father and Mother are vampires.**

**Sima Shi:That is nonsense, if they were, won't we be already be dead?**

**Sima Zhao:They don't age! I'm telling you, they are vampires! They also have pale skin, cold eyes, and don't come out until it's dark. What else do you need?**

**Sima Shi:That last part was made-up. The first parts are slightly true. But them being vampires, not possible.**

**Sima Zhao:They're vampires, I stand by that. Sima Shi just rolled back his eyes.**

** Problem 6:Fall off a high place, you don't die(Not a problem, but unusual)**

**Cao Cao is standing on a cliff.**

**Cao Cao:Ahh, what a nice view.**

**Ma Chao:CAO CAO! He knocks him off the cliff with his horse.**

**Cao Cao:Ahhh! He lands perfectly on the ground. I should watch where I'm going...*pats himself down***

**Ma Chao:*mouth wide open* What...? He did not die? He throws a temper, falls off the cliff himself. Ahhhhhh! Oh... He lands perfectly on the ground.**

**Cao Cao:You share my luck, too?**

**Ma Chao:*boils in anger***

**Problem 7:Boob physics (This is what actually happened when I was watching a cutscene with any female character.)**

**Lian Shi is just standing with Sun Quan while he is giving a speech. Lian Shi's breasts move.**

**All soldiers:AHH! We saw it move!**

**Sun Quan:*eye twitch* All of you were staring at her...?**

**Jin **

**Wang Yuanji:We should-*boobs move***

**Sima Zhao:AHH! They moved on their own!*BAM***

**Zhang Chunhua:Zhao, you were staring at her chest? You know better-**

**Sima Yi:Ahh! Chunhua, I swear I saw yours move on their own-*POW***

**Zhang Chunhua:You too...**

**Problem 8:Your bodyguard is stupid (Based on my experience in Ambition mode)**

**Zhuge Liang is running through a base with Jiang Wei.(I had Sima Yi as my bodyguard when this happened, but replaced it with Jiang Wei here.)**

**Zhuge Liang:...Jiang Wei?**

**Jiang Wei is jumping up and down on a wall of the base.**

**Zhuge Liang:...Jiang Wei, what are you doing?**

**Jiang Wei gave no response, and continues to jump up and down.**

**Zhuge Liang:...The boy is finished...**

**Problem 9:FANGIRLS**

**Wei**

**Zhang Liao:My lord, an unusual force is coming!**

**Cao Cao:Hurry! The fangirls are coming! Hide Cao Pi! Save yourselves! Except Xu Chu, Cao Ren, Pang De, and Xiahou Yuan.**

**Every male in Wei run out in disguise and hid in villages. (Zhang He too.)**

**Cao Cao:Ah, ready, Guo Jia?**

**Guo Jia:Yes,my lord.**

**The two run out to the fangirl army.**

**Cao Cao and Guo Jia:HEY LADIES! WE'RE SINGLE MEN, AND YOU KNOW YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS!**

**The fangirl army covers the two.**

**Cao Pi:*disgusted* Ughh...He LIKES the attention?...**

**Xiahou Dun:..Our lord is unusual...**

**Wu**

**Sun Quan:They're here! Go!**

**Lu Xun, Gan Ning, Sun Ce, Ling Tong, and Zhou Yu:GOGOGOGOGOGO!**

**They all board a ship and hid in it.**

**Sun Quan:Everyone! We must board the ship, or else we'll-*gulps*They're getting closer!**

**All the officers except Han Dang, Huang Gai, Taishi Ci, Zhou Tai, and Ding Feng boraded the ship and sailed off.**

**Sun Quan:Hold them off while we make our escape!**

**HD,HG,TC, and DF: Yes, my lord! You ladies won't touch our lords! Ahh!**

**They get run over by them, but manged to stall them.**

**Shu**

**Liu Bei:Hide Zhao Yun! He will be their first target! Ma Chao, Ma Dai, All Guans, Zhang Bao, Jiang Wei, go and hide in the villages in these clothes!**

**Guan Yu and Zhang Fei:We'll hold them off! Use that Xu Shu guy as bait!**

**Xu Shu:Wait..what? Ahh!**

**Zhang Fei throws him at the fangirls. He gets consumed by their numbers.**

**Zhang Fei:That oughta hold them while those guys make their escape!**

**Jin**

**Sima Zhao:Everyone, RUN!**

**Sima Shi:Father is not here...Don't tell me...**

**Zhang Chunhua:Your father left already. He looked like he saw a ghost. I'm was worried that he was going to collapse from fear.**

**Sima Zhao:WHY ARE YOU JUST STANDING HERE? LETS GO ALREADY, SHI! DO YOU WANT THOSE GIRLS TO CATCH US?**

**The two brothers and the rest of Jin ran out of the building.**

**Elsewhere...**

**Sima Yi is wearing peasant clothing and a rice hat (that cone-ish hat you see people in rice patties wear) and is sitting on a bench. **

**Sima Yi:(I'm not going to deal with those-ugh-fangirls. Luckily, I made Fu wear my clothes. I hope my boys are okay...probably.)**

**Sima Zhao:*in similar clothing* Hi...**

**Sima Yi:Where is your brother, Yuanji, and your mother?**

**Sima Zhao:Brother is in the same disguise, Yuanji and Mother don't really have to worry, but are making sure not to be near us. Everyone else are hiding in buildings, haystacks, or merchant disguises.**

**Back at the(abandoned) building**

**Sima Fu:Why did Yi make me wear his clothes? That's not like him...AHH!**

**He is glomped by multiple fangirls.**

**Problem 10:Carrying all that gold**

**Yuan Shao is trudging through the battlefield.**

**Wen Chou:Are you sure you're alright?**

**Yuan Shao:*sweating* Yes, I am fine. No ne-AHH!**

**He trips and falls to the ground with a large thud.**

**Yuan Shao:I can't get up...Help me...**

**Problem 11:Carrying that large weapon**

**Guan Suo performs a switch attack, he gets a great sword.**

**Guan Suo:*grunting* How...can..you..pick...this...up..?*straining***

**Guan Ping:*swings his with ease* It's all in the wrist.**

**Guan Suo:...I think I broke mine... He performs a switch attack. AHH! It still affects me! I can't walk properly!**

**Problem 12:That time of the month**

**Sima Zhao:Morning, Yua-*Pow***

**Wang Yunaji:Not in the mood.**

**Sima Zhao:(Uh-oh. It's that time.)**

**Sima Yi:No, no, I don't need that! *gurgles***

**Zhang Chunhua:*frowning, cold eyes* Drink the damn tea. It will make you feel better. She continues to pour tea into Sima Yi's mouth.**

**Sima Yi:(Just drink it, I don't want her punishment, especially this time now. OH GOD THIS TASTES SO AWFUL!)**

**Wei**

**Guo Jia:Hi, Wang Yi!**

**Wang Yi:*eyes angry* Buzz off, blondie.*glows***

**Guo Jia:...Oh...ok...**

**Problem 13:High heels in a time they are not supposed to exist**

**Zhen Ji:(These are hurting my feet. How can you wear these?)**

**Cao Pi:Are you alright? You seem to be in pain.**

**Zhen Ji:These shoes are hurting my feet.**

**Cao Pi:I'll be happy to carry you.**

**Zhen Ji:No, I'm fine. (God, how can people walk in these?)**

**Problem 14:Your diet is meatbuns, nothing more.**

**Director:I have never seen these guys eat rice. Only meatbuns. Doesn't seem healthy.**

**Animator:Huh, now that you mention it...**

**Shu**

**Liu Bei:Are you sure there is nothing else? I'm getting sick of meatbuns. Don't we have rice?**

**Zhuge Liang:I don't know...That's in the supply base.**

**Liu Bei:I want rice, make the soldiers eat meatbuns and we eat rice.**

**Zhuge Liang:That-**

**Liu Bei:Or make me pancakes.**

**Zhuge Liang:What are pancakes?**

**Problem 15:LU BU**

**You know where this is going, right?**

**Problem 16:DONG ZHOU**

**This requires no elaboration.**

**Problem 17:Restricted vocabulary**

**Wei:AMBITION, LAND, CHAOS**

**Wu:CHAOS, LAND, FIRE, PEACE, TIGERS**

**Shu:BENEVIOLENCE, JUSTICE, HONOR, PEACE, DUTY, PEOPLE, MORE BENEVIOLENCE**

**Jin:*insert evil laughter here*, DUTY, *COUGH*, DESTINY, LAND**

**Other:WILL OF THE HEAVENS, CAN NO ONE PROVIDE ME WITH A DECENT CHALLENGE, GWAHAHAHA, NOBILITY, KING OF THE NAMMAN, DESCENDANT OF THE FIRE GOD**

**Problem 18:Using a weapon you're not supposed to use**

**Sima Shi:*using Pugil Sticks* (I actually tried this.)**

**Sima Zhao:*snickers* GAHAHA! *rolls on the floor***

**Sima Yi:*using wired claws* This feels really weird...(Tried this too.)**

**Zhang Chunhua:*trying to hold back laugh* M-my lord, I don't think that works for you.**

**Cao Cao:Oh, it works for me. I'm working it! He is using wired claws nearby. (Knew someone who did this)**

**Guo Huai:*cough* Xiahou Ba's-AHHH! He is using the siege spear and flies all around.**

**Sima Shi now is using a flute. He plays a tune. (Also tried this)**

**Sima Zhao:Do you know where that has been?**

**Sima Shi immediately stops playing and throws it.**

**Problem 19:Koei has EVERYTHING you do, even the rated M stuff**

**Director:Battle, talking, battle, talking, and oh, what's this?**

**He rolls over on a folder saying "DO NOT OPEN."**

**Animator:Don't click that! That has very private info on the DW characters!**

**Director:What private info? They have nothing to hide, we see what they do all the time.**

**Animator:They're human, right? They have certain needs...you would not want to see...**

**Director:Sex? Phht, that's normal. Everyone needs it. **

**Animator:This will scar you really bad...**

**Director:I get free porn, that is all that matters to me.**

**Animator:You sicken me...Oh, well, you won't change your mind, fine. I'm leaving.**

**He leaves the room, leaving the director clicking on the file.**

**Director:Guo Jia having those twenty women at his office, we all know how that turned out...Cao Cao peeking at the women's chambers...Cao Pi getting naughty on the desk with his wife...Wang Yi splitting a horse head in half...Zhao Yun's insane party...Zhuge Liang and his wife? Let's see that.**

***50 minutes later***

**Director:*nosebleed*Kinky, those two. *** ****'s inventions work indeed. What else? Oh, what's this?**

***1 hour later***

**Director:*nosebleeding still* ...Lucky *** **** gets to play with those boobs... Gan Ning's insane party...Ling Tong's extreme party...Zhou Yu messing with himself...Hmm?**

***1 hour later***

**Director:How is that possible? **** ****'s like 5'6 and ** **'s 6'10. I'm surprised she did not split in half. Oh, another one.**

***1 hour later***

**Director:Same thing, 5'3 girl and 6'3 guy, girl does not split. Hmm? Something new.**

***1 and a half hour later***

**Director:*very red, nosebleeding*Whoa...too kinky...I did not know he liked to be tied and whipped...And he got to play with the boobs...I probably shouldn't mention this to ***or ****.**

**Animator:Had your fun? Now close that. *blushes*I don't want to see**** **'s sex life.**

**Director:Yeah...I'll...close it. Animator closes it for him.**

**Director:Why do you even have this?**

**Animator:CEO told us to keep EVERYTHING on them.**

**Problem 20:Every generic looks almost the DAMN same**

**Sima Zhao:Hey, uhhh...Sima Yan?**

**Generic:No, I'm Cao Rui.**

**Sima Yi:Sima Fu?**

**Generic:Sima Xun.**

**Sima Shi:Wang Ji?**

**Generic:I'm Wang Su.**

**Shu**

**Liu Bei:Liu Feng, right?**

**Generic:Zhuge Zhan.**

**Zhuge Liang:Fei Yi?**

**Generic:Fa Zheng.**

**Wu**

**Sun Quan:Uhh...Sun Ben?**

**Generic:Sun Chen.**

**Sun Ce:Ok...uhh...Sun Liang?**

**Generic:Sun Shao.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Problem 21:Doors don't have locks **

**Sima Yi:I have papers-WHAT IN THE NAME OF CONFUCIUS ARE YOU DOING?!**

**Cao Pi is on the desk with Zhen Ji, and- you know where this is going.**

**Cao Pi:Studying the art of love. Ever heard of knocking?**

**Sima Yi:...Ugh...*covers eyes*..Do that on your own private time... **

**Cao Pi:I can do this anytime I want, plus...**

**Problem 22:Infertility (It depends on who you are)**

**Cao Pi:I won't have a unwanted brat. Every man and women here are unable to reproduce, thus I can have as much fun as I want.**

**Sima Yi:...What about Cao Rui?...**

**Cao Pi:Koei justs makes a model for him.**

**Sima Yi:...I'm just going to go...(Ugh...disgusting.)**

**Problem 23:It costs a lot of money to revive you**

**Koei Doctor:Huang Zhong died in battle! **

**Doctor 2:How bad?**

**Doctor:He suffered multiple arrow wounds to the head and body.**

**Doctor 2:How much will it cost to revive him?**

**Doctor:Reviving, and him being his young self: 600,000 dollars. Reviving him, and he stays the same:70,000 dollars.**

**Doctor 2:Go with the second choice.**

**Problem 24:Female clothing is too revealing **

**Sima Yi:My dear, aren't you cold? That..uhh...dress... is exposing a lot of your skin...**

**Zhang Chunhua:*shivering* N-no, I'm fine...**

**Sima Yi:Are you sure?**

**Sima Zhao:Yuanji, is that okay to wear in this weather?**

**Wang Yuanji:*shivering* Y-yes, I'm f-fine.**

**Sima Zhao:You're kinda shaking...**

**Wei**

**Guo Jia and other peons:*wolf whistle* Whoo! Zhen Ji, that's a nice dress!**

**Cao Cao:Work that ass!**

**Cao Pi:*glaring at Cao Cao***

**Zhen Ji:I'm getting too much attention...**

**Problem 25:Chinese animal name puns**

**Zhou Yu:*eye twtich*..Why am I a fish?..(It's a pun on his name, Yu. "Yu" means fish when used commonly.)**

**Koei Executive:Just leave the costume on for a few minutes, here is your paycheck.**

**Zhou Yu:...**

**Ma Chao:...Same thing with you?**

**Zhou Yu:Yeah, and what are you?**

**Ma Chao:A horse. (Another pun, Ma means"horse". Also, the Chinese character for "horse" is in his name.)**

**Sima Yi:...You bastards...*eye twitch***

**Sima Shi:...This is not funny...**

**Sima Zhao:...Why...**

**All three:WHY THE HELL ARE WE IN HORSE COSTUMES?! (Same pun with Ma Chao, The "Ma" in "Si "ma" means horse, and the Chinese character for horse is also in their name.)**

**Cao Cao:..I'm a cow...(No pun, just the fact people used to call him "Cow Cow".)**

**Problem 26:"Asians have small *****'s " stereotype being mentioned around DW men**

**Director:The fact that they're pretty doesn't cover up the fact they have- you know...**

**Animator:...We're both Asian...doesn't that apply to us?**

**Director:Don't change the subject! Huh, DW guys? You lack the necessary pack-**

**Weapons are pointed or thrown at him.**

**Director:...Heh...nevermind...**

**Lu Bu appears in front of him, he towers over him.**

**Lu Bu:What is it that I lack?**

**Director:...No...you don't lack anything...**

**Problem 27: DLC costumes**

**Koei Executive:I have new costume ideas for the characters.**

**Koei CEO:Let's hear it.**

**Executive:The women in Dead or Alive clothing. Pretty good, huh?**

**CEO:Hmm...seems interesting...**

**Director:..Do it.(I want to see Lian Shi and Zhang Chunhua.)**

**CEO:Ok. Approved. Get the animators.**

**Animator:I'm not making them wear demeaning costumes. The costumes they wear now are already revealing. Their husbands are not going to approve.**

**Director:SOME won't approve, but every other men wants them in sexy fighting clothes.**

**Animator:*groans* No, I'm going to stay out of this.**

**Problem 28:Unusual horse diet**

**Horse **

**Likes:Meat**

**Dislikes:Vegetables**

**Animator:What the hell?**

**Director:The meat could have been horse itself!**

**Problem 29:Unusual height difference**

**Xiahou Ba:...Hi?...**

**Wu Tugu:Hello. He towers over Xiahou Ba.(He's that insanely tall guy, you can recognize him instantly.)**

**Xiahou Ba:...I need an adult...**

**Problem 30:OC's and Mary Sues**

**Director:Aren't we technically OC's or Mary Sues?**

**Animator:We are not romantically involved with anyone in the DW series. We may have crushes, but it does not affect the characters. The only possible feeling they have towards us is resentment. Plus we're male, and not the author.**

**Director:How about us being OC's? **

**Animator:You're based on a couple things, I'm based on a couple of things, and Koei does have animators and a director, so I guess we're realistic OC's. We're just put here for Koei-related affairs, and things involving the characters outside of the games. **

**Director:We just broke the forth wall, you know.**

**Animator:Indeed we did.**


End file.
